An open letter to the Honorable Senator John McCain from Battle Balls Bubble Soccer:
I am writing in reference to a virtual slap of my “Battle Balls” this morning from a recent article on the DoD Buzz, Online Defense and Acquisition Journal, January 4, 2016, entitled, “Bubble Soccer, Doggy MRIs and Other ‘Wasteful’ Defense Spending.” I can’t speak about the Doggy MRIs, but I do appreciate that there were quotes included around “Wasteful” in reference to Bubble Soccer, as it is the best sport ever invented….ever. For real.
According to the article, your report “details examples of ‘outrageous and wasteful’ spending at federal agencies, including doggy MRIs, bubble soccer, jazz-playing robots and other items at the Defense Department.” The document includes a total of $27 billion in federal spending.
I applaud you for your efforts in reducing inappropriate spending, however spending on bubble soccer… well that’s just the best purchase the military could ever make.
First off, Battle Ball Bubble Soccer improves morale and enhances team-building. The sport is safe, but allows for participants to knock against each other and it helps relieve stress and excess energy. And it is a workout, Sir! Each adult Battle Ball weighs 17lbs. Like mini-atoms, players bounce off one another, hit the ground, get back up and keep going. Five minutes of bubble soccer play and participants are winded. What better way to keep the world’s best fighting force in shape than through some bubble soccer action?!
Please Sir, elaborate on how bubble soccer was included in your report as a waste of $13,000 when you also identified $1.1 million spent on a puppy MRI and $2.3 million on jazz-playing robots? This is in addition to $49 million on pro-sports advertising? If I may break it down, drop the jazz-playing robots next year and invest in Battle Balls for bubble soccer. $2.3 million for jazz-playing robots will buy you 6,300 Battle Balls. This is enough to supply every military base in the U.S. and across the globe I believe, but don’t quote me on that.
Our company is happy to extend a discount to the military and throw in a few free air pumps. I can tell you one thing with certainty Sir, morale in the U.S. military, by the honorable men and women who serve, would be at an all-time high! I don’t see the jazz-playing robots providing that kind of love or value. I think we can all agree the Chuck E. Cheese singing robots are kinda creepy when viewed as adults.
I also caught one snippet in your report about a $14.7 million dollar warehouse in Afghanistan “that no one will ever use.” I propose that we turn the facility into a Battle Balls bubble soccer facility. Let’s create a top-notch bubble soccer hub. What better way to spread the growth of international relations than through sport with the locals? We would likely have to change the name from the “International Battle Balls Bubble Soccer Facility” to something that translates better across cultures; ultimate naming rights in progress. Maybe the Department of Defense would be willing to C-130 the jazz-playing robots into the facility for a little music while we play?
Ahh, and lastly Sir. To the $49 million spent on advertising by the Army National Guard. Well, the math speaks for itself. That’s 134,000 bubble soccer balls! We could Braveheart those bad boys in a bubble soccer charge across the globe. Can you imagine the fierce spectacle of 134K brave men and women charging across fields around the globe in bubble soccer balls?! Fit and fierce, Senator.
And, as a bonus add-on point, with the purchase of 134 thousand bubble soccer balls, we would be happy to add the military logos (Coast Guard, Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines) to our bubble soccer balls for some visibility. I would bet my frozen dollar, that the military logos and presence would be seen, and money better spent, than on sponsorship for the Iron Dog snowmobile race.
Lastly, in closing. I would like to cordially challenge you and your staff to a game of Battle Balls bubble soccer with me and my staff. I can guarantee that I can make a 79 year-old Senator smile like an 8-year old again. I would bet my Battle Balls on it.
Respectfully, Randy Carlson, CEO of Battle Balls
Battle Balls: https://www.battle-balls.com/ Phone: 888.725.1555